Expectations are what we want, hope for, or assume we will get from someone else, and they are not always based in reality. When a spouse has unrealistic expectations of the other spouse, it can lead to serious problems in marriage and potentially to divorce. In fact, a large number of divorces are due to spouses having unreasonable or impossible expectations of each other.
Does your spouse have unrealistic expectations of you? If so, how can you overcome them? And if you are headed to divorce and false expectations have played a role in damaging your marriage, what should you do? Unreasonable expectations in divorce can make the entire process much harder if one spouse believes property division, alimony, child custody decisions, and other concerns should be more favorable to them.
Before we address these questions, though, let’s look at what realistic expectations are in a marriage versus unrealistic ones.
Here are eight basic things psychologists say romantic partners should expect from each other. They should expect respect, time, affection, compassion, consideration, intimacy, interest, and generosity. Most experienced family law attorneys would also add the following to that list when it comes to marriage: that spouses have the right to expect honesty and commitment.
There are probably as many unrealistic expectations in marriages as there are marriages. Here are just a few examples of false expectations that one spouse may place on the other one:
Some of these unrealistic expectations may or may not be present in your marriage. But whatever unreasonable expectations your wife or husband is placing on you, there may be ways to overcome them that will allow the marriage to survive.
Whether you can overcome your spouse’s unrealistic expectations of you is not certain. It depends on your personalities, how committed you both are to working to overcome expectations for the good of your relationship, and all the unique factors of your marriage.
Here are some suggestions that may help:
Depending on how conflicted your marriage is and your own needs and goals, these tips may or may not help you and your spouse overcome unrealistic expectations of each other. Sometimes unrealistic expectations and other problems in marriage are too much to overcome, and divorce may be the outcome.
Just as unrealistic expectations can affect marriages and lead to divorce, they can also make the divorce process more difficult. A spouse with unrealistic expectations in marriage may carry them over to divorce—or they may come up with new unreasonable expectations.
For example, if you have minor children, your wife may expect that, as the mother, she is entitled to primary custody and will expect you to grant it without a fight, but the law does not work that way necessarily. Both parents start out on the same playing field when it comes to custody decisions—the New Jersey court considers the best interests of children first and foremost and looks at a long list of factors of both parents to decide custody.
Even if you make reasonably comparable salaries, your wife may still expect that she will get alimony. This unrealistic expectation can be an echo from the past when men traditionally went to work and earned significantly more money than their spouses. However, again all the factors of your marriage and financial situations will determine whether alimony or maintenance is paid and how much. It is not a given.
Or maybe a husband believes that a wife will certainly accede to his asset demands during the divorce process because he was a much higher earner and, therefore, believes he contributed more to the household and marriage. But in property division as in all divorce issues, many elements are considered when dividing assets so that both spouses get fair financial outcomes.
So, what can you do if your wife or husband has unrealistic expectations in divorce? Here are some pointers:
Remember that neither you nor your spouse will get everything you want out of divorce. Divorce involves negotiation and compromise. When you go into it with the proper mindset, including with realistic expectations, it can make a stressful process just a little more agreeable.
Our attorneys at [MFR] Men’s & Fathers’ Rights Divorce Lawyers have decades of combined experience helping clients navigate legal problems within families. We can counsel you through all stages of your divorce to ensure that you get the best possible result for your specific situation, especially when unrealistic expectations from your spouse about how issues of divorce should resolve are present.
Call us at (201) 880-9770 to arrange a confidential case evaluation with an experienced lawyer. Our law firm practices exclusively in family law and divorce, and we have a special focus area in high-net-worth divorce cases.