OVERCOMING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FROM YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE

OVERCOMING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FROM YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE

Expectations are what we want, hope for, or assume we will get from someone else, and they are not always based in reality. When a spouse has unrealistic expectations of the other spouse, it can lead to serious problems in marriage and potentially to divorce. In fact, a large number of divorces are due to spouses having unreasonable or impossible expectations of each other.

Does your spouse have unrealistic expectations of you? If so, how can you overcome them? And if you are headed to divorce and false expectations have played a role in damaging your marriage, what should you do? Unreasonable expectations in divorce can make the entire process much harder if one spouse believes property division, alimony, child custody decisions, and other concerns should be more favorable to them.

Before we address these questions, though, let’s look at what realistic expectations are in a marriage versus unrealistic ones.

What Are Realistic Expectations?

Here are eight basic things psychologists say romantic partners should expect from each other.  They should expect respect, time, affection, compassion, consideration, intimacy, interest, and generosity. Most experienced family law attorneys would also add the following to that list when it comes to marriage: that spouses have the right to expect honesty and commitment.

What Are Unrealistic Expectations?

There are probably as many unrealistic expectations in marriages as there are marriages. Here are just a few examples of false expectations that one spouse may place on the other one:

  • To always ask permission of the other before making purchases
  • To be perfect in looks, personality, parenting, or whatever
  • To always agree with them and their point of view
  • To be tolerant of their drug, alcohol, or gambling problem
  • To be ready for sex whenever they are
  • To be responsible for their happiness
  • To spend every free moment with them
  • To not have their own hobbies and interests
  • To always know and understand what they are thinking and feeling
  • To always say the right thing
  • That they will never grow or change.

Some of these unrealistic expectations may or may not be present in your marriage. But whatever unreasonable expectations your wife or husband is placing on you, there may be ways to overcome them that will allow the marriage to survive.

TIPS FOR OVERCOMING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FROM YOUR SPOUSE

Whether you can overcome your spouse’s unrealistic expectations of you is not certain. It depends on your personalities, how committed you both are to working to overcome expectations for the good of your relationship, and all the unique factors of your marriage.

Here are some suggestions that may help:

  • Communicate honestly — Talk to your spouse openly about who you are and who you cannot be or will not be. Make sure the conversation can be emotionally safe place for you both without fear of backlash later. Discuss in a calm way where you believe their expectations of you are unrealistic and why.
  • Be sure to have a two-way conversation – Don’t make communications all about you. Let your wife or husband know you are open to addressing unrealistic expectations that they may feel you have of them.
  • Compromise – Try to understand their perspective and ask them (nicely) to try to understand yours. If at all possible, identify where you might meet in the middle on issues.
  • Ask questions — Sometimes people in a marriage assume that they know how their husband or wife is feeling or what they need. But even if you have been together a long time and regularly finish each other’s sentences, you are not inside the other person’s head and they are not in yours. So, ask questions about what they feel, need, or think, and hopefully they will do the same for you.
  • Keep the conversation going — Don’t stop letting your spouse know what you need and don’t stop asking them what they need.
  • Get professional counseling — Suggest going to marriage counseling together to strengthenor even first understand evolving communication styles. It may also be valuable for each of you to see a counselor separately for additional support.

Depending on how conflicted your marriage is and your own needs and goals, these tips may or may not help you and your spouse overcome unrealistic expectations of each other. Sometimes unrealistic expectations and other problems in marriage are too much to overcome, and divorce may be the outcome.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE DIVORCING A HUSBAND OR WIFE WHO HAS UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Just as unrealistic expectations can affect marriages and lead to divorce, they can also make the divorce process more difficult. A spouse with unrealistic expectations in marriage may carry them over to divorce—or they may come up with new unreasonable expectations.

For example, if you have minor children, your wife may expect that, as the mother, she is entitled to primary custody and will expect you to grant it without a fight, but the law does not work that way necessarily. Both parents start out on the same playing field when it comes to custody decisions—the New Jersey court considers the best interests of children first and foremost and looks at a long list of factors of both parents to decide custody.

Even if you make reasonably comparable salaries, your wife may still expect that she will get alimony. This unrealistic expectation can be an echo from the past when men traditionally went to work and earned significantly more money than their spouses. However, again all the factors of your marriage and financial situations will determine whether alimony or maintenance is paid and how much. It is not a given.

Or maybe a husband believes that a wife will certainly accede to his asset demands during the divorce process because he was a much higher earner and, therefore, believes he contributed more to the household and marriage. But in property division as in all divorce issues, many elements are considered when dividing assets so that both spouses get fair financial outcomes.

So, what can you do if your wife or husband has unrealistic expectations in divorce? Here are some pointers:

  • Stay calm and try not to get too caught up in expectations or demands.
  • Do not agree to anything or promise them anything until you get on the same page with your lawyer because it may be harder to emotionally undo what you inadvertently promised later.
  • Learn what your rights and responsibilities are by speaking with an experienced divorce attorney who will be a powerful advocate for your interests while seeking fairness all around.
  • Limit communication when dealing with a spouse who is making unreasonable demands—let your attorney handle communications for you.

Remember that neither you nor your spouse will get everything you want out of divorce. Divorce involves negotiation and compromise. When you go into it with the proper mindset, including with realistic expectations, it can make a stressful process just a little more agreeable.

GET HELP FROM AN EXPERIENCED ATTORNEY IN NEW JERSEY

Our attorneys at [MFR] Men’s & Fathers’ Rights Divorce Lawyers have decades of combined experience helping clients navigate legal problems within families. We can counsel you through all stages of your divorce to ensure that you get the best possible result for your specific situation, especially when unrealistic expectations from your spouse about how issues of divorce should resolve are present.

Call us at (201) 880-9770 to arrange a confidential case evaluation with an experienced lawyer. Our law firm practices exclusively in family law and divorce, and we have a special focus area in high-net-worth divorce  cases.

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