Divorce is a sensitive and sometimes very contentious topic between spouses, and talking about it is not easy. Say the wrong thing when discussing a divorce and it can be damaging to your interests during the process. Whether you are considering filing or you are in the midst of divorce proceedings, you should understand what not to say to your spouse when discussing divorce. Try to keep in mind during any discussion that what you say could be used against you in negotiations, in mediation, or in court, or sometimes it could simply cause arguments that will further inflame relations between you and make the process that much harder.
For these reasons, it can be smart to speak to your spouse as little as possible during the process. This is especially true if your interactions are hostile, but it’s good advice even if you are on relatively amicable terms because you never know when that can change during stressful divorce proceedings. Often, enlisting your divorce lawyer to handle communications with your spouse and their attorney is the best answer.
SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU NOT TO SAY TO YOUR SPOUSE WHEN DIVORCING?
Here are things not to say when discussing divorce and its issues, such as property division, alimony, and children’s concerns:
- Don’t call names, insult, or belittle your spouse. Doing so will only cause further dissension and conflict and may well result in the judge viewing you negatively when they learn of your behavior, which could influence their decisions.
- Don’t speculate in discussions about how much you think specific assets are worth. Let the forensic accountant experts determine that during the property valuation process.
- Don’t make promises to your spouse regarding divorce issues. You may feel sorry for your spouse if they do not want the divorce, or feel beaten down by them, and decide to promise them something to make yourself feel better or to get them off your back. Don’t do it—such promises can come back to bite you and you could end up losing that thing you promised and that you now don’t want to lose.
- Don’t go off on tangents that have nothing to do with the issue at hand when speaking with your spouse. Stick to the specific reason for the discussion.
- Don’t place blame on yourself for the marriage ending. They may use that against you during negotiations or in front of the judge.
- Don’t make threats because you are angry, such as telling your spouse you are going to take them for everything or refusing to let them see the children. Try to stay calm and composed when you must speak with them. If you don’t, you could lead yourself straight down a path of having your spouse hit you with a restraining order, even if its not legitimate.
- Don’t use absolute language, such as “You always” do this, or “You never” do that. Such language will likely just cause an argumentative back and forth between you that goes nowhere except to cause further hard feelings.
- Don’t beg your spouse to not divorce you, if they are the one who wants the divorce and you do not. Begging and acting needy will only degrade you and will probably not work to change their mind—or if it does, that change of mind will probably be a temporary one.
- Do not threaten your spouse with violence. You could well find yourself with a restraining order filed against you and potentially the police knocking on your door, and a difficult time in any custody or visitation disputes.
How Should You Speak to Your Spouse when Divorcing?
You can see there are lots of things not to say—so how should you speak to your spouse when discussing a divorce? The answer is as calmly and as unemotionally as possible. Try to be respectful to them in your language and tone. Stay focused on the reason for speaking with them, ending the conversation as quickly as you can after the issue has been discussed.
Importantly, set boundaries for speaking with them. If they call you names, are sarcastic, or address you in a nasty way, let them know you won’t be spoken to in that way and end the conversation. You may find it easiest to communicate with your spouse only through text or email, because you can think through what you want to say and avoid responding in a heated way. Even so, the same boundaries as speaking over the phone or in person will apply—you can inform them if they are rude or belligerent that you will not respond to their texts or emails. A big benefit of communicating in writing is that you have a record of conversations between you.
DOCUMENT DISCUSSIONS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
You can expect that your spouse’s divorce attorney will advise them to keep voicemails and text messages and to make notes about conversations they have with you, which is a reason for not belittling your spouse, calling names, or making threats, in addition, of course, to all the reasons already talked about.
You should do the same. Build a file with every voicemail, email, text, and other written communication. Keep a log of any spoken conversations that details the date, time of day, what was discussed, what your spouse said, and whether anyone else was present and, if so, who. This information may be helpful in negotiating your marital settlement agreement or as evidence presented to the judge if your issues of divorce are decided in the New Jersey court. Your divorce attorney will review all of this material to determine how it could be beneficial (or detrimental if you said the wrong thing) to your circumstances.
CONSIDERING DIVORCE? CALL AN EXPERIENCED NEW JERSEY ATTORNEY FOR HELP
Our attorneys at [MFR] Men’s & Fathers’ Rights Divorce Lawyers have decades of combined experience helping clients navigate the issues of divorce to achieve the best possible outcomes for their situations. We may be able to help you, too, by handling communications with your spouse if need be and representing you throughout all the stages of divorce.
Contact us to schedule a time to speak with an attorney by calling (201) 880-9770 for assistance. Our law firm has a special focus in handling high-net-worth divorces.
