Co-parenting is a collaborative approach to raising a minor child after divorce. It can be contrasted with a more traditional child custody and visitation arrangement, where the parents rarely communicate, and the child essentially lives a separate life with each parent. Studies have shown that co-parenting can yield significant benefits, and it is a central focus of the New Jersey courts regarding developing quality parenting plans during the divorce process. When co-parenting is successful, it can bring more normalcy for children after their parents’ divorce.
Strategies for Successful Co-Parenting After Divorce
Co-parenting is not always going to be easy, but it is often most beneficial for the children involved. Regardless of whether divorced parents eventually remarry or find new partners, a desire to do what is best for their children will often be the one thing they continue to have in common, which can become the foundation for successful co-parenting.
Following are strategies to help you build on that foundation and become effective co-parents.
Check Your Emotions at the Door
For co-parenting to work, parents need to be willing to work together with an open mind. No matter how you feel about your spouse or the outcome of your divorce, when it comes to co-parenting, your children’s needs and emotional stability should always come first. Whether you are meeting with your co-parent in person or exchanging texts or emails, always remain polite and courteous; and, if you have a disagreement, focus on being constructive instead of critical.
Focus on Improving Your Communications
Open and accurate communication is essential to effective co-parenting. Hastily written emails can send the wrong message, and text messages will rarely convey the true intent behind the words being typed. When co-parenting – especially if you and your former spouse are not on the best terms – it can be worthwhile to spend a few extra minutes honing your written communications. You may find that your former spouse follows suit, which can reap huge benefits when it comes to going beyond routine scheduling and making basic decisions.
Think Like a Team Member
As a co-parent, you are a member of your child’s parenting team. You are not the coach, and neither is your former spouse. Remember that you have the same goal in mind and focus on working cooperatively instead of trying to take control or letting your co-parent take the lead.
The Importance of a Quality Parenting Plan
A key to cooperation between co-parents is having a comprehensive parenting plan in place. When you work together to develop a plan and agree on the terms, you reduce your chances of confusion and misunderstandings that can lead to conflict. An effective plan should include specifics about your child’s education, healthcare, and religious upbringing. It should contain a parenting time schedule of who your child will be with when, who will drop them off and pick them up for school or activities and on what days, and what holidays and vacations the child will spend with which parent. If you are on good enough terms with your ex-spouse, this could even include spending important occasions such as the child’s birthday together.
Other areas to address in a parenting plan include the following:
- What rules children will follow and how they will be disciplined
- How you will communicate about your child
- How you and your ex-spouse will resolve differences between you
- Boundaries for the child’s social media use
- Who will care for the child if the scheduled parent becomes ill or there is another unforeseen circumstance
- Other areas that are relevant to your lives.
Keep in mind, though, that while a detailed plan can curb misunderstandings, life is never static. You should both be flexible enough to allow for changing situations.
Additional Tips for Co-Parenting
Even when divorcing spouses have no interest in maintaining a personal relationship with one another, there are still various tools and strategies they can use to make co-parenting a success. Using technology to communicate and limit uncomfortable interactions can be helpful. Setting boundaries, such as a specific day and time when you will speak about child-related concerns, and sticking to that schedule can be helpful. Of course, such boundary setting would not apply in emergency situations.
Also, there are “what not to do’s” as a co-parent and for the sake of your children. Do not pass information back and forth through children about scheduling, homework assignments, activities, or other areas that should be given directly to the other parent. Your child may forget to tell the other parent or may misinterpret the message, causing confusion all around that can lead to conflict. Communicate directly with your ex when it involves your child.
While you do not have to be best friends with your former spouse, you do have to treat them with courtesy and respect. Do not speak badly of your spouse, especially in front of children. Do not say rude things about your spouse on social media, to other family members, or elsewhere. Remember that your spouse is the child’s other parent. Negative things that you say may get back to your kids and can damage how they feel about the other parent, you, and themselves.
When A Co-Parenting Arrangement is Not Viable
Co-parenting is not a viable option for everyone. Domestic violence can rule it out. Sometimes parallel parenting is a better choice when there is too much animosity between parents and there is a concern about bad feelings spilling over onto the child. In other cases, a parent may live in another state and may be an equal co-parent when it comes to important decisions for the child, but not be able to share in the day-to-day aspects of co-parenting. Every situation is different.
Speak With a New Jersey Attorney About Co-Parenting
If you are considering divorce and would like more information about effective co-parenting strategies, or another child custody arrangement, we encourage you to contact us for a confidential case evaluation. To schedule an appointment at our family law offices in Hackensack, call [MFR] Men’s & Fathers’ Rights Divorce Lawyers at (201) 880-9770.
