Divorce is one of life’s most stressful events, and it affects all family members, including children. When parents are splitting up, children can feel anxiety, confusion, fear, anger, depression, guilt, sadness, and a host of other emotions that if not properly addressed can lead to negative consequences. How a child’s mental health is or is not protected in divorce will affect them into the future.
We know that as a parent you have the best interests of your child at heart. You want to reduce your child’s emotional suffering as much as possible during this sensitive time. How you (and the other parent) support your child’s mental health and emotional well-being during your divorce will have a significant impact on how successfully your child adjusts to this new reality and their life going forward.
Read on for strategies for helping reduce the upheaval and turmoil of divorce on children.
How to Support Your Child During Divorce
Open communication is key for supporting your child throughout the divorce. From breaking the news to navigating through the process, children should know that they can talk to you and you will listen to their concerns and take them seriously.
Explaining Divorce and Addressing Fears
When telling your child that you are divorcing, explain it in a way that is tailored to their age and emotional maturity level. When explaining divorce to a child, experts say that it can be helpful to consider what it would be appropriate to tell a child of the same age about “where babies come from.” But no matter how old your child is—whether they are a toddler or a teenager—and how gently you tell them, they may experience real fear about your divorce. Fear of the unknown, worries that they will never see a parent again, anxiety about where they will live, and a range of other concerns can cause them to be afraid.
To alleviate fear, let your child know you love them and that this will not change with divorce. Assure your child that the breakup has nothing to do with them and they are not in any way to blame, which children sometimes believe. Be prepared to answer questions about what will happen to them. Provide as much information as you can about how life will change, while not overwhelming them with details.
If your relationship with your spouse allows for it—meaning that you can both act maturely and not antagonistically toward each other—it can be beneficial to break the news of the divorce together. It is also helpful to discuss questions in advance that your children may have so that you are prepared to answer them and are on the same page. When at all possible, showing a united front to children promotes stability and can help to assuage fears.
Navigating the Divorce Process
Now that you have broken the news of the divorce to your child, you want to make sure they are better equipped to navigate the changes it will bring. Here are several tips to consider to help your child make it more positively through the process:
- Respect your child’s feelings — Reassure your child that everything will be okay, but do not downplay their feelings or disregard their anxiety in the here and now. Never tell them to “get over it” or otherwise dismiss their very real emotions.
- Maintain stability — A consistent routine and schedule will provide stability to your child. This can help children have a sense of normalcy even though their parents do not live together anymore. Set boundaries for your child so they know what to expect and how far they can push.
- Be civil to the other parent — Do not badmouth the other parent in front of your child, on social media, or anywhere else. What you say may come back to your child and make them angry toward the other parent or toward you. And do not argue or speak disrespectfully to the other parent in front of them.
- Don’t put children in the middle — Sometimes parents in divorce are tempted to avoid speaking to the other parent by sending messages through their children. Avoid doing this as it puts the child in the middle. It can also result in children feeling guilty if they forget to pass a message along and the result is confusion and anger between parents.
- Be calm and positive — Children watch their parents to get cues about how to behave. When you practice emotional stability during divorce by behaving in a calm, rational, and positive way, this behavior can rub off on your child.
- Practice patience — Your child’s entire world is suddenly changing, and they have no control over it. Try to be patient in your day-to-day interactions with them, even when you are feeling hurried and stressed. You can also provide them some control by giving them some decision-making power where it makes sense.
- Spend time with your child — Stay involved with your child so they know they are still loved and supported. Show up for their school events and extracurricular activities. Let your child choose fun activities that you can do together. Even if you have moved out of the family home, see them routinely and regularly. Be there when you say you will be there.
- Make sure they have a space — If you are moving into a new home, be sure your child has their own space there. You can encourage them to bring some of their familiar things from the family home to decorate the space.
- Provide a support network — If your child is used to regularly seeing grandparents, aunts, uncles and other family members and close family friends, ensure that those relationships continue. Do make sure that family members will not say negative things about the other parent in front of children.
- Address your own emotional needs — By taking care of yourself, you can better take care of your children. It may help you to see a therapist or join a support group during your divorce so that you can discuss your stresses and anxieties in those safe and supportive spaces, and keep them from spilling over onto your child. Your counselor may also offer advice on how to speak with your children about the divorce.
- Maintain privacy in legal discussions — Speak with your lawyer privately so that children do not overhear discussions of divorce concerns. When speaking with your spouse about settlement issues, try to keep those conversations private as well.
By listening, taking your child’s emotions seriously, having a stable routine, and reassuring your child that they are loved, you are supporting your child’s mental health in divorce. Remember that divorce is a journey that they are on with you, and one they did not sign up for. The journey can be a difficult one for all concerned, but by knowing they have two loving and attentive parents, children may more effectively negotiate the trip.
Develop an Effective Parenting Plan to Further Stability
When you and your spouse are divorcing and living separately, an effective parenting plan will allow you both to spend quality time with your child while creating stability for them. A parenting plan provides a schedule that describes when the child will be with each parent. As long as you develop it together and agree on it, such a plan can serve to reduce confusion that can lead to disagreements that can affect your child.
What Goes Into a Parenting Plan
Parenting plans typically contain schedules describing:
- Who the child will be with on what day
- Where the child will spend school breaks, birthdays, holidays, special occasions, and summer vacations
- Who will drop off and pick up the child from school and extracurricular activities.
Your parenting time plan can also address how children will be disciplined, internet use, bedtime schedules, and other facets of day-to-day life. When you and the other parent agree and are consistent with the rules at each of your homes, it can instill an increased sense of stability. Plus, it can avoid claims that the other parent lets the child do things that you don’t allow them to do, which can lead to arguments between you and your spouse, further affecting your child’s emotional well-being.
Plans can be as detailed as you wish them to be for your circumstances, while also having some flexibility to account for the unexpected. Once you have developed and agreed upon a parenting plan, which may be negotiated between yourselves or with the help of your respective attorneys, it can potentially become part of your child custody settlement agreement in divorce.
However, sometimes divorcing parents simply cannot agree on parenting plans. In that situation, the court will make one for you, which is not ideal. Whenever possible, parents should try to come to agreement between themselves. Taking this decision before a judge can cause contention that can affect your child.
The negative effects of divorce on children can be lessened when parents are able to achieve an uncontested divorce. An uncontested divorce is one where spouses agree on all the issues of divorce and sign a settlement agreement. The court reviews the agreement and signs off on it. An uncontested divorce allows for issues to be kept private instead of being aired in a courtroom, and there is typically less contention between parties in uncontested divorce because they are committed to compromising and working together. In a contested divorce both sides argue their case in front of a judge, which leaves a lot of room for disagreement and animosity.
When to Take Your Child to See a Mental Health Professional
Some children get through their parents’ divorce easier than others. No matter how much you do all the right things to try to support your child’s mental health in divorce, there may be a point where professional help is required. How do you know if your child needs professional help? Look out for the following possible indicators:
- Your child’s grades in school are dropping.
- Your child is experiencing significant mood swings.
- Your child is getting in fights at school or with siblings.
- Your child who has always been sociable does not want to see friends.
- Your child is engaging in risky behaviors such as drinking or taking drugs.
- Your child is losing interest in hobbies and activities that they have always enjoyed.
- Your child is experiencing nightmares or other sleep disturbances.
- Your child ‘s eating habits have changed, either not eating or overeating.
- Your child seems withdrawn and depressed.
- Your child begins to complain of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments that could be caused by emotional stress.
It is normal in the early stages of divorce for your child to experience a variety of emotions. But if negative emotional reactions are getting worse instead of better and your child is becoming increasingly withdrawn, is self-harming, is acting out in anger or is otherwise showing distress, reach out to a licensed therapist or psychologist for help. A mental health professional can help children to understand their emotions and develop better coping mechanisms during divorce.
You know your child and their behavior’s better than anyone. Even if they are not showing the specific destructive behaviors described above, they might still benefit from speaking with a professional. Sometimes speaking with a school counselor, religious advisor, or other trusted person can help protect your child’s mental health.
Contact an Experienced and Compassionate New Jersey Attorney for Help
As attorneys with decades of combined experience practicing exclusively in family law, we have seen for ourselves the heavy toll that divorce can take on children. When we represent you, we will seek to resolve your divorce in the smoothest and least antagonistic way possible to reduce the negative emotional impacts on your child. We also want you to get the best possible outcomes in decisions of divorce and will advocate staunchly for your interests toward that end.
We prefer to help our clients reach negotiated settlements with their spouses whenever the circumstances allow it, rather than having divorce issues aired publicly in a trial. A settlement allows for privacy in divorce and can be significantly less contentious than going to court, which can alleviate some of the stress on divorcing parents that might otherwise flow down to their children.
To schedule a confidential consultation, call [MFR] Men’s & Fathers’ Rights Divorce Lawyers, with offices in Hackensack, at (201) 880-9770.
