Divorce is one of life’s most stressful events even in the best of circumstances. For a person divorcing a narcissist, it is exponentially more fraught and turbulent. Narcissists often will do everything they can to make their spouse’s life as difficult as possible during divorce. They have little or no empathy for other people, a grandiose sense of their own importance, and thrive on disruption and keeping their spouse off balance. Narcissists are characterized as being extremely sensitive to criticism, manipulative, selfish, attention-seeking, and unable to take responsibility for their own behavior. Underlying and driving these negative personality traits are low self-esteem and doubt about their own self-worth, according to mental health experts.
There are degrees of narcissism. On the high end of the narcissism spectrum are people with narcissistic personality disorder. Someone can have the disorder whether they are diagnosed with it or not. Sometimes people may not have the full-blown disorder, but they still possess narcissistic character traits and excel at making other people’s lives miserable.
You probably know much of this already if you are married to a narcissist. What you need help with is divorcing in the least stress-ridden way possible while also achieving a fair outcome for your goals and circumstances. Read on for tips from our experienced divorce lawyer on more smoothly and advantageously ending your marriage to your narcissistic spouse.
Divorcing a narcissist can be very trying emotionally and psychologically. Because narcissists want to win always, or simply want to cause conflict and drama, they are prone to arguing and fighting over even the smallest matters, which can drag out the divorce process. They may wish to punish their spouse financially and so may not be upfront and honest during divorce when it comes to money issues. You can better protect yourself mentally and financially by taking the following steps.
You know your spouse and the behaviors they displayed in your marriage that made you want out. They will probably behave much the same way now, and the behavior may well become amplified for the worst during divorce proceedings, so be prepared. Accept that they will most likely not play fair and will try to manipulate you in one way or another to get their way or just to frustrate you and thwart the process.
It can feel like the easy way out of the marriage is to give in to a narcissist spouse’s demands when you are tired and beaten down and just want them to go away. If you don’t really know what you want—other than not being married to them any longer—it can be easier to make the mistake of taking this route. So, even before you file, think realistically about your goals and what you really wish to come away with regarding property division, child custody and other issues, as well as what you are willing to give up. If you can identify some areas that are not as important to you, it may help in negotiations. If you give your spouse a “win” of something they really want, it could potentially help you with getting something you really want. Of course, when dealing with an unpredictable narcissist, this can never be guaranteed.
When you’ve made the decision to file for divorce, and before informing your spouse, make an accounting of all of your assets, properties, and debts. Copy financial records and other important documents and keep them in a safe place that your spouse cannot access. This will help ensure that documents do not “disappear” and will help assure you have a more thorough and transparent accounting of assets and debts when you are in divorce negotiations or divorce litigation.
Write down every interaction you have with your spouse after filing for divorce, especially the negative ones. Keep track of dates and times, what happened, what was said, and who was there, if anyone else. Also document all financial transactions that are made. Consider documenting how your life together has been and how specific incidents, behaviors, or problems contributed to the divorce filing.
Your spouse will probably try to portray themselves as the victim during your divorce. So, before the blame game starts, let family and friends know what is going on. Be honest with them about the troubles you have had in the relationship and that you are divorcing, but avoid saying nasty things about your spouse. You might also consider informing your employer or your business partners about your divorce if there is a possibility that your spouse may try and cause problems for you professionally. Build a support group early on who will be there for you during the steps of divorce.
A mental health therapist should be a key part of your support team. Being able to work through the emotions that arise when divorcing a narcissist, in a non-judgmental environment with a professional, is invaluable. Your therapist can provide advice about such things as how to remain calm during outbursts from your spouse, how to address their attempts to manipulate you, and how to deal with other specific challenges you are facing.
Just as a therapist can help safeguard your mental health during this turbulent time, a divorce attorney will make sure your legal rights and interests are protected. It is wise to choose an attorney with a background that includes handling divorce cases involving narcissists, because they will be familiar with the tactics these personalities use in divorce. Often communicating with a narcissistic spouse is untenable, so your lawyer can take over communications on your behalf. Your attorney will help to ensure that your spouse does not try to hide assets from you or engage in other deceitful and dishonest behaviors that are harmful to you or your children.
Try to limit speaking directly to your spouse, whether in person or on the phone, especially if they are angry and verbally abusive. Whenever possible, communicate with your spouse in writing. This could be through texts or email. Communicating in writing gives you time to think through what you want to say to your spouse and allows you to have a cooling off period, if necessary, before responding to their communications. This can keep already tense situations from escalating even more. Very importantly, communicating in writing documents what your spouse is saying to you–whether making threats to withhold visitation, being verbally abusive, or otherwise problematic.
Communicate with your spouse when you have something to discuss, such as children’s schedules, who is taking the dog to the vet, or what company to get to trim the trees at your house, for example. Stay focused on the issue that needs to be resolved. Your spouse may be argumentative, cajoling, blaming, or otherwise working to change the subject to the divorce and why you are in the wrong. Do not become distracted by their tangent. Once you have discussed the issue at hand, end the communication as quickly and calmly as possible.
During divorce proceedings, stay calm—even though that can be hard–and factual. While your spouse may try to goad you into angry displays during litigation, keep your emotions in check and your eyes on your goals for exiting the marriage. Reiterate the factual information toward meeting those goals. Let the judge see that you are the adult in the room.
Don’t post about your divorce or your spouse on social media. In fact, it can be in your best interests to avoid posting on social media altogether when divorcing a narcissist. Why give your spouse a public forum to criticize you, blame you, or create other types of drama? Your spouse may also try and use social media posts as evidence against you in divorce. If you haven’t yet, it can be smart to block your spouse on social media to further preserve your privacy. Resist the temptation to respond to anything your spouse may say about you or the divorce on social media. Do take screen shots of negative or inappropriate comments about you, the divorce, or concerns involving children that your spouse may make on their social media platforms. These could be useful as evidence in litigation or negotiations.
Narcissists are not averse to lying during the divorce process. They may seek to damage their spouse’s reputation in an effort to get what they want out of the divorce, or because they are angry and want to punish their spouse. If your spouse is spreading lies about you to make you look bad and make themselves look like the innocent victim, make up a list of people you know who will attest to your good character in court if need be.
Stress can greatly impact both your mental and physical health. Take care of yourself. Go to the gym. Get outside and take a walk. Play a sport that you enjoy. Try to eat healthy foods and don’t drink too much. Do not let the impending divorce stop you from living your life. Have fun, see friends, visit with family. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated. But—there is a caveat—it is recommended that you not date during divorce and especially when you are divorcing a narcissist. Dating can cause issues that can make your divorce even more conflict-ridden and could potentially affect you in decisions of divorce.
If you have kids at home, your spouse may try to turn the children against you to get them on her side. She may say untrue and unkind things about you. As a person lacking in empathy, she will not concern herself with the damaging impacts her actions have on your children. Do not play the same game—put your children’s best interests first. Assure your children that you love them and talk to them about what is going on as appropriate to their ages and emotional maturity. You should also make notes about what the other parent is specifically saying to children and keep track of how much time you each spend with them and whether your spouse is adhering to parenting time arrangements.
If your spouse is stalking you, harassing you, or you feel threatened by them in any way, consider getting a temporary restraining order. A restraining order can be used to keep your spouse away from you and from contacting you. It will include provisions specific to your situation. While men may believe that they cannot get restraining orders—that is not true. The law is not gender-biased, although it may sometimes feel like it to some men. If you have an honest need for a restraining order, your divorce lawyer can assist you in preparing the evidence and filing a petition with the New Jersey court, or even make sure that the incident qualifies to have a likely outcome of success for a TRO under the domestic violence statute and, making the argument as to why you need one. While women are more often issued restraining orders, men have just as much right to be protected from domestic violence. And if your narcissist wife is trying to get a restraining order against you as part of a manipulation tactic in your divorce, your lawyer will defend you against it.
We hope these general tips for navigating divorce from a narcissist can help smooth the path forward. However, every marital situation is different and you will be most well served by getting guidance specific to your unique circumstances. One of the tips discussed here was to hire a divorce lawyer with a background in handling cases involving narcissist spouses. The importance of doing so really cannot be overstated. Many cases involving narcissists must be decided at trial. Even if you think there is a chance that your narcissist spouse will not contest the divorce or the issues, all it takes is for one disagreement to escalate into a drawn-out fight that derails everything you may have so far accomplished and are working toward.
Your divorce lawyer will speak with you to gain in-depth understanding of all the details of your specific circumstances. Attorneys who have resolved cases involving narcissist personalities know what to look for during the stages of divorce and can often foresee the tactics a narcissist spouse may use to try to disrupt the process. Your attorney will use evidence and facts to support your position and counter your spouse’s attempts at manipulating you and the proceedings.
Tactics commonly used by people with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies include:
Being the target of these tactics is frustrating and confusing. Your attorney will advise you how to react in these situations and guide you through all the stages of your divorce, protecting your rights and interests throughout.
As attorneys with decades of combined experience in New Jersey family law matters, we understand the upheaval you are going through when involved in a high-conflict divorce with a narcissist. We have seen with our own eyes the disruption that narcissists can bring to the divorce process. If you need legal assistance getting out of a marriage to a narcissist, you can count on the hardworking attorneys at [MFR] Men’s & Fathers’ Rights Divorce Lawyers to stand up firmly against your spouse to protect your interests. The owner is Certified as a high conflict negotiator. When solutions cannot be reached at the negotiating table, we will fight forcefully for you in court. While we are firm in our approach, we are always professional and polite to all parties and seek to dial down conflict whenever possible to arrive at workable solutions.
Call our New Jersey law firm at (201) 880-9770 to schedule a confidential case evaluation. We practice exclusively in divorce, including high-net-worth divorce, and related family law areas. You can trust us for knowledgeable, responsive, and honest legal support.